Just a few suggestions for anybody considering joining Dave in August. I try to re-read them every time I go to Texas.

As a card-carrying Yankee, I can legally send this without some legwarmer-wearing commie whining about picking on Yankees. (Not that there are any here, of course, but you never know. One of 'em might sneak in.) Sometimes there is justice.

Bob
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Subject: Instructions to Yankees coming into Texas
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This list of rules will apply to each person as they enter the state of Texas:

It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need it. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it, or get it out of the way.

We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked ... by our women.

Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 3-inch troutyou fish for...bait.

Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

If that cell phone rings while a flock of dove are coming in, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport.

High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks...and a dang sight more fun to watch.

No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.

Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

They are pigs, cattle and oil wells. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west; I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday, held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

Every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

We have more Navy, Marines, Air Force and Army than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best!

Our military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.

Also remember what President Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States cannot make it without Texas."