This one had The First Lady and I laughing for quite some time. Ladies, I recomend that you make a potty stop before you read this.
Tom Gator 851.
GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas,
when the
Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus
and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold,
frankincense, and
myrrh".
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an
important,
yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the
gifts
were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with
pictures of
Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth
unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year!' And
Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in
the paper
than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first
Christmas
gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two
important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting
paper on a
gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion:
This is a
scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Lloyd, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such
a poor gift that
I don't want to be there when the person opens it."
The other is George, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of
principle
never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which
presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," George said. "They were the ones that
looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never
completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put
it the
exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation
volleyball court, but
when I am done folding and taping, you can still see part of the gift
peeking out.
(Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half
of the
Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper,
she can
wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping
things.
If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries
separately,
which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were
possible,
my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies
that come more
naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting...
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens
the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of "Woman's Day" magazine recently ran an item on how to make
your
own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half
horizontally
and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be
smoking
crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put
it inside a bag
and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive
visual effect
that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning...
YOUR WIFE: "Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?"
YOU: "It's a gift! See? It has a bow!"
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): "It's a leaf blower."
YOU: "Gas-powered! Five horsepower!"
YOUR WIFE: "I want a divorce."
YOU: "I also got you some myrrh."
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or
how you
wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is
that you save the
receipt.