Camp Holloway Discussion Forum Archive 04 - 01/01/04 to 02/10/06

Borowitz Report - 11/18/2005

BUSH EXECUTES WHITE HOUSE TURKEY FOR ROLE IN CIA LEAK

Exonerates Libby, Rove, Cheney, Self

President George W. Bush cut short his trip to Asia today to rush back to Washington to execute the White House turkey for its role in the leaking of the identity of a CIA officer.

While the President usually pardons the turkey in a pre-Thanksgiving ceremony, Mr. Bush said that after launching an extensive investigation of his own he determined that the turkey and no one else was responsible for the leak.

By executing the turkey, Mr. Bush said he was fully exonerating former vice presidential chief of staff Lewis “Scooter” Libby, top aide Karl Rove, Vice President Dick Cheney, and possibly himself.

“A lot of people didn’t think I would have the nerve to execute this turkey,” Mr. Bush told reporters. “Well, when I was Governor of Texas, this kind of thing was just another day at the office.”

Former New York Times reporter Judith Miller issued an official statement later in the day stating that she and the turkey “were not entangled in any way and certainly never dated.”

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) blasted the execution of the White House turkey, calling the President’s decision a “rush to judgment.”

“The notion that the turkey acted alone in leaking the name of a CIA officer strains credulity,” Sen. Reid said. “For one thing, turkeys don’t talk.”

President Bush later offered this retort to Sen. Reid’s comment: “Dead ones sure don’t.”

Elsewhere, GQ named Jennifer Aniston “Woman of the Year” for her poise, grace and good humor during her breakup with Brad Pitt, and for agreeing to appear on its cover topless.

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Borowitz Report - 11/18/2005
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