This has been around a few times before but just incase you missed it it"s is a HOOT.

Tom Gator 851.

Chili Cookoff

> > > Subject: Texas Chili Tasting
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope
> > for
> > > you. I had tears rolling down my cheeks long before the end. I don't
> > care if
> > > it is actual or not, my sides are hurting from laughter.
> > >
> > > This is said to be an actual account by the paramedics at a chili
> > > cook-off in San Antonio. It takes up a major portion of a parking
lot at
> > > the San Antonio City Park.
> > >
> > > Here's a little background. Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili
taster
> > named
> > > Frank who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois. He said, "I am
> > honored to
> > > be selected as a judge at a Texas chili cook-off. The
> > > original judge phoned in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
> > > standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the
Coors
> > > Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
> > judges,
> > > both native Texans, that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy.
Besides,
> > they
> > > told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and
> > became
> > > Judge 3."
> > >
> > > Here are the notes from the event:
> > >
> > > CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
> > > Judge #1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> > > Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> > > Judge #3 Holy cow, what the is this stuff? You could remove
> > > dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
> > out hope
> > > that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> > >
> > > CHILI #2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI> > > Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> > > Judge #2 Exciting barbeque flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken
> > > seriously.
> > > Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> > > I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> > > wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer
> > when
> > > they saw the look on my face.
> > >
> > >
> > > CHILI #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> > > Judge #1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> > > Judge #2 A bit salty; good use of peppers.
> > > Judge #3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> > feels like
> > > I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me
> > more
> > > beer before I igni te. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone
> > is in
> > > the front part of my chest. I'm getting loopy from all of this
beer.
> > >
> > > CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC CHILI
> > > Judge # 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> > > Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> > > or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > > Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable
to
> > > taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the beer
maid,
> > was
> > > standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300-pound woman is
> > starting to
> > > look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
> > aphrodisiac?
> > >
> > > CHILI #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> > > Judge #1 Meaty, strong c hili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> > > adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > > Judge #2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> > > admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> > > Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
> > I can
> > > no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> > > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> > chili had
> > > given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
> > beer
> > > directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It
> > > really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
> > screaming. Forget them!
> > >
> > >
> > > CHILI #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> > > Judge #1 Thin ye t bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> > > spices and peppers.
> > > Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and
> > > garlic. Superb.
> > > Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> > > gaseous,sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm
worried
> > > it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me
> > > except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
> > with a
> > > snow cone.
> > >
> > > CHILI #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> > > Judge #1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> > > Judge #2 Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> > > chili peppers at the last moment. (I should note that I am worried
>>> about judge number 3. He's running ar ound, screaming uncontrollably.
> > > Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I
> > > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
> > > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which
> > > slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava which
matches
> > > the front of my shirt. At least during the autopsy, there'll be no
doubt
> > > about what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too
painful.
> > > Forget it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just
> > > suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> > >
> > > CHILI #8 BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
> > > Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chili. Not
> > > too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > > Ju dge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
> > > nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
> > > passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
> > > Not sure if he's going to make it, poor feller.
> > > Judge #3 No Report