Camp Holloway Discussion Forum Archive 05 - 02/12/06 to 01/21/10

Re: Vietnam Combat Disabled Veteran Faces Jail

Well, my view of this will be unpopular being a woman who went thru a similar situation.
I suspect, even on this site, there are several of you who divorced since Viet Nam. PTSD may have played a much bigger role than you thought.

I will tell you my story so maybe you won't be too critical on this woman for wanting a part of her husband's disability and benefits. Further, if you had a bitter split, yourself, maybe you can reexamine both of your roles in it. 24 years of marriage is a much bigger impact than 2 or 3 years. It is basically, your entire time of your productive adulthood.
If I wander, it is because it is dredging up a lot of memories I have managed to suppress or deal with.
I lived with my husband for 34 years. Over half of that he had PTSD and just shut down all emotions and had various growing physical problems. We had 5 children but after he returned from Viet Nam the second time, he had no time for family. Work, work and more work.Was a very good provider although my income eventually surpassed his.

No help from the VA. was even a consideration because PTSD was considered sort of a malady affecting a lot of veterans who just wanted an excuse to get out of working. Proof of this malady was almost impossible to prove for most. Not much was known about PTSD. Besides, we had good private insurance.

So,as a wife, you begin to blame yourself thinking you may be the cause of your husband becoming a workaholic, drinking, and just no personal time for anyone. Erodes you to where you lose joy in life. Kids feel it and impacts on how they grow up. The wife lives a life like a single except you are in a marriage so you can't go out to shop around. Entertaining at home or doing things couples often do just vanishes. It's a solitary life even if you are working. (Though men may not know it, many women remain faithful in such marriages and don't go out seeking other partners.) They remain silent and hidden while they continue to run a house, raise kids, care for their loved one. If you have the factors of having PTSD turning a former loving spouse into a verbally or physically abuse spouse, you just live with it. That only makes matters worse and soon your joy and love for your house just dies. You wonder why you continue and then, one day, you just leave when the kids are old enough. In the "olden" days, you stayed together to the end even if it was a bitter and hateful end. You may have had older relatives like that.

Results the same..you lose confidence in yourself and feel not really loved at all. (That can be true of the husband, too)
By the time my husband was diagnosed with PTSD,etc. and eventually got 100% disability my husband was nearly 70. By this time, the VA began to acknowledge a host of PTSD characteristics they had ignored.

In this case, I think the 24 years of marriage which was during the time this man was working for the forestry service, should be considered. Further, I think the wife should be allowed to keep her military benefits such as commissary, etc.

24 years is most of a person's entire youth. A woman trying to get into the job market in her 50's is pretty hard unless she has some special skills or acquires some through training. I was fortunate enough to be able to leave all my things behind including military benefits because I had a good income and insurance in my own right. This woman obviously didn't have this. So, I would thing her reasons for leaving were far more pressing than mine. To jump out in the world alone at 50+, with her own disability, perhaps no assets, indicates she was living under pretty harsh circumstances with this man.
Living with someone that long who has PTSD effects your entire outlook on life and also destroys a certain part of you. Takes a long time to recover and most just don't. There are a lot of people out there like her who remain silent and married because they are afraid of being out on their own. Some kind of assist may be needed at least for a temporary amount of time. Further, keeping her medical benefits could mean the difference of living or dying at her age. Even if you are an employee making very good money, the medical benefits just are being eroded in the public sector. 24 years and her stress, alone, probably has her with high BP and or heart problems. Sounds like kind of a bitter situation for both after so long together. She is fighting to survive.
People like this woman are very different than the MANY younger, often foreign women I have met who latch onto military men because they know just what benefits they get and how to get the most when they dump him. They know how long to stay and how to extract all they can. This woman and man were together 24 years. She sure wasn't standing by for the money and benefits. Living with a PTSD spouse can be day to day hell for both.
This is too long and time to end. If I repeated myself, I'm sorry. Am crying now as this has been a painful thing to relate but hope it softens some of your thinking on this matter. I don't know the legal ramifications of taking of his SSD or his disability pay as I didn't have to deal with that. I just think this woman is desperate to survive and certainly not a gold digger after 24 years!! Respect to all of you..Caroline

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Vietnam Combat Disabled Veteran Faces Jail
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Re: Vietnam Combat Disabled Veteran Faces Jail