Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Carpe per diem - seize the check.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

Reality: What a concept!

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

Robin Williams